Do you think everything will be ok says the man who is not tall
The last ten minutes of a story about them was like a story about us I didn’t see it coming I can’t believe he killed him.
When you have to tell your friends you can’t hang out with them because instead of getting up and facing the world you stayed in bed for two hours. Now you still have to go to work and your friends have moved on. Why can’t they just come and hang out in your bed and hold you.
It’s those times when you sit in your car in silence for a half hour when you get home not because you don’t want to disturb someone when you come in bit because there’s no one to disturb.
there should be nothing you get to resent me for because you’re the one who fucked this up you’re the one who wouldn’t just come and get your shit you are the one who ruined everything not me
I can’t believe the gall you have to say something as messed up as why can’t you just be happy for me when you pretty much stole and ruined my life I hope one day you’ll look back at that and see how fucked up it is. You broke my heart shattered it even. How could I feel happiness in you hurting me so deeply and badly. Do you come from another planet do you not understand what you’ve done.
I deserve attention and I deserve people to look and see what happened to me you deserve people to know the awful things you did. I could keep them here on this journal where no one else should be able to see cause no one else should have this but know that if you’re still posting on other sites I can see, its like a huge fucking trigger and you should take responsibility for some of your actions for once
the things you say work both ways. don’t act like I was just living for you. don’t come up with bullshit excuses to try to justify what you did.
out of like the two arguments we had. you told me it hurts when I’m mad at you or don’t give you attention because you moved down here for me. since that day I tripled my efforts to make you feel loved and spend time with you. I even stayed home a lot because you were always tired and never wanted to go out or adventure or even hang out with my friends. which by the way I have plenty of thank you. so stop trying to play the I pity you card cause you don’t have friends it’s garbage. you actually made me feel bad for going out and hanging out with my friends a couple of times that I did. even when I stayed home while you were working and did things that you wanted to be a part of you made me feel bad. but would never want to do them with me later. I was so happy for you to make friends I was only disappointed when I made time for you after you had complained about spending time with me only to not spend time with me later. then came the time when I was wary when you would bring home gifts from other people when you would get texts at 2 in the morning. of course it would make me feel uncomfortable don’t be stupid you weren’t making me feel safe and I had every right to feel that way obviously. its not like I wasn’t open with my communication I told you flat out and plainly what things made me feel uncomfortable and it wasn’t your fucking friends. it was what would turn into fucking your friends
I tried to get you to quit Michaels because I saw how taxed you were. I told you I would take care of you I told you I got you. so you could grow and live and breathe. who knew you were really so stressed because you are juggling two relationships.
I’m the one who always had to reassure you that you were good enough. I always told you how you were the best when you asked me why do you even like me. I told you how you were wonderful and amazing and how proud I am of you. I’ve tried to work on not being right all the time I’ve tried my hardest to show you I care I wish you had opened up and communicated that to me. It hurts that you would try to justify or maybe even just hurt me by saying that but if this is a win that you want go ahead and have it.
There’s a difference between being the only thing in your life and wanting to share my life with you. Of course I wanted you near me as much as possible. That’s what we set out to do when you moved here. We had talks about it just like when I left to move here when we could’ve split up amicably. You told me that you wanted to be with me forever before you moved here. Again this was when we could’ve split amicably and you could’ve done your exploring. Yes it’s hard to be with someone to give yourself to someone else don’t blame me because you couldn’t. And don’t blame me for being your one and only or first. I personally know many people who have been with one person and they have happy healthy relationships. I’m not talking about people that are my parents age I’m talking about people my age and younger. Just because you weren’t strong enough to do it don’t act like it was so farfetched.. I don’t even want to be right right now but I will call bullshit when I see it.
You’re so fucked up for how you left this and I’m so fucked up for for still loving you through it. I probably loved you more than anyone on this planet has loved you and you know it’s true. I wish you could do better than me. I know you probably can and you’re not right now not with who you’re with. And yes by the way I am better than him so fuck you for even implying differently. I shouldn’t be punished because I didn’t have his friends circle or you didn’t like mine. I shouldn’t have had to compete with him. You should have been able to make friends without having to go and fuck somebody else.
I know things were way past getting serious and you were probably scared. I know going to look at houses probably cemented you into leaving even though you had already cheated on me by then so that wasn’t the catalyst. I know you wanted to go to college first and that’s why I didn’t push us into getting it. and that’s why I had conversations with you and checked things out instead of just doing it. I just wanted to give you a house with a fenced in yard so we could have a dog together. I was even gonna let you get a golden retriever instead of a Doberman. You said that it shouldn’t be a surprise for me well it shouldn’t have been a surprise for you that I wanted to be with you forever you even led me to believe that would happen all the way to the end. I told you you were the perfect girl for me. I told you how much I adored you and how amazing you were. so if you’re still thinking about what I said seven years ago when we weren’t even dating and let me tell you now no you’re not replaceable. you’re one of a kind. you’re my favorite girl and you were my best girlfriend. I honestly don’t think there’s anyone better in this world. And now that’s gone.
knowledge of past relationships shows me we can never be friends or together again. I broke up with Erin because she cheated on me and even took her back 9 months or a year later but I could never forgive her. even though it’s true I loved you more than her and probably more than anyone else including my family I don’t know if its in me to ever let this go. you hurt me more than anything else has in the world. this hurts more than when the cuntrag stole thousands of dollars from me and that whole blow up. it hurts more than when my sister was killed when I was 6. the last thing I said to her was I hate you because I was truly young and dumb. thats why words are so powerful to me now and the things people say mean so much. it hurts more than when my cousin died at 24 of cancer and it showed me life can just snap like that. it hurts more then when my grandmother and then my grandfather and finally my great grandmother passed away showing time is chipping away at my slowly dwindling family. I’m not sure what hurts the most the fact that you betrayed me the fact that you so easily cut me out of your life or how I just seem like I’m a bother to you. you probably could have had me back. we probably could have made it work. but the way you dealt with it mixed with how you messed it up afterwards just did so much damage. sure you don’t deserve me and in the end you were the problem all along.
I wasn’t waiting for you I just hoped you would come back. and when I told those girls I couldn’t see them anymore it was because I knew we would never work out because I knew I deserved more. because I had already gotten a taste of what I really wanted from a relationship. its not that you were better than them but there was a standard set. I know what I’m dealing with when it’s right in front of my face. I understand what will make a long term commitment and what’s just for fun.
did you want me to do something to make you resent me were you disappointed I didn’t hit you or break your phone or kill him. I didn’t dox you or spread your naked pictures or sex videos. I should sell your stuff pretty soon it’ll be there long enough for it to be my stuff anyway in the eyes of the law. God knows you deserve something bad to happen to you but I’m not one to do it. because whether you believe it or not I’m the best guy you’ll ever meet. you don’t deserve my kind side but I gave it to you anyway the night you left and even the night you came back. I was there for you even after you ripped my heart out and betrayed me and you couldn’t do the same for me.
I see you danced around a lot of my questions. I’m not asking you to answer them now I just think its fucked up. I see what I think is important isn’t the same as what you think anymore.
after all this I can even say that I understand. I think its wrong and fucked up still. I’ve wanted to just stick my Dick in things. I thought I was missing out on things and wanted to see if there was something better out there. I’ve destroyed relationships and did the exact same thing. I’ve been selfish and a disgusting human being just like you. I’ve had to make the same choice when I was faced with the possibility of forever with someone and throughout all those times I chose as you did until it came to you and I found what I wanted. But you did this all at my expense.
even though we’ll never be together that doesn’t mean that it doesn’t hurt. There’s still a part of me that wants it but I know it’s useless to try that path again. Of course I’ll need to express my love and hate and rage but that’s what happens when you have such a long buildup and such an awful disgusting fallout. I understand we both haven’t changed. I understand it was only you who needed to change. And I know that if you did and came back I wouldn’t be there. My body and heart are slowly accepting that.
part of me hopes you’re being such a dismissive asshole to try and help me move on. That you actually have love for me and dont want to hurt me. It doesn’t seem like it. It doesn’t even seem like you regret what you did or think you did anything wrong. In the end it is all your fault and all the fallout and hate and bad blood to go along with it is a direct result of you.
I would really appreciate it if you didn’t post where I could see it especially here on tumblr. I would’ve appreciated a lot of things but you’re not fair or right or decent.It would’ve been nice to feel like I was cared for too you continuously dropped the ball there also. I told you and you just ignored the things I said to you
what the fuck you couldnt just make a new tumblr you had to stay on that one torturing me i didn’t fucking mention you I asked for one thing to keep my sanity but its like youre trying to trigger me