She asked what my bracelet meant. I felt the welling up begin to happen so I tried to scrunch my face and let out a joking laugh as my only defense. I half changed the subject pointing to where Finn and Jake used to be to give the impression that I was hiding some nerdiness that I was embarrassed about instead of a heartfelt sentimental piece.
Later on she regaled me with stories of her choices past betrayals and an unmistakable ability to pick “winners”. I was scared is that why this girl was drawn to me. Could she somehow sense that I was broken no longer able to be the upstanding man that I had so difficultly built over years. What right did I have to hurt this sweet girl who had so carefully laid out her expectations hopes and dreams knowing that I couldn’t fulfill them. Should my thinking run converse to my logic and pain. Should I just take the things I want leaving a wake of destruction. Knowing firsthand the awfulness of ruining someone elses emotional life and well being I just don’t know if I could bring myself to be that cruel to an innocent person. She went on to tell me of relationships gone awry and the sacrifices she made and the cheating that happened. She showed me how big her heart was through the amount of forgiveness she gave to those who wronged her. Then as if reading from a list of job requirements for a partnering with me she told me how she would never cheat on me or anyone she was with no matter if they were married dating or engaged. All I could think of was why do I deserve someone as great as this with all this honesty and love to give. Do I selfishly just use this person is there any more to interaction with other people what do we owe each other when opening up and giving and taking somebody else’s heart.
I feel like enough time has passed. You probably don’t read this blog anymore so I feel I can speak freely. First of all know that I will always love you probably more than anyone else. I once met and fell in love with a girl named Erin if you met her I think you would think she’s the most amazing interesting and marvelous girl ever plus being the epitome of what cute is. I could have been with her and loved her forever we even had the chance to have a child and I think that would have been the most beautiful thing I could have had in this world. I was younger than you when it ended and probably not even as experienced with the world. I tried to write it off as puppy love for some high school crush that blossomed into something more. But with more maturity and experience I see that she was one of the two people on this planet that can make me happy. I would happily run all the way back to New Jersey and to her if she would have me. She’s still the smart gorgeous interesting woman she was before plus she’s rich now lol. But despite all that I know she wasn’t the perfect one for me don’t get me wrong she was damn good she was a catch she could have made me happy for the rest of my life and I wouldn’t have even felt like I was settling but she wasn’t the perfect one for me and even if I was together with her I would leave her for you. I know because after 32 years I’ve met someone who is the most amazing person and completes me better than anyone else I’ve seen. I told her time and time and time again how she was the perfect girl and I went after you for that exact reason. When I told you how absolutely amazing you were I was baffled on how you couldn’t see it because to me it was clear as day.
I’ve done the research on myself and I’ve given serious thought to hundreds yes literally hundreds of women in this area and I have conversed with at the very least 100. Being in the middle of all of these college towns and centers for art is almost as good as being in the city. There are so many different diverse groups of people the women here definitely go hard and are no slouches. Dating is like yet another job with awful pay and disgusting hours that I never wanted. It’s necessary but wastes so much of my time that I could be spending composing creating getting connections to create my own guard loving and living life going to Hong Kong to see the world’s largest sitting Buddha and maybe even throwing in some down time of watching a good movie or actually playing a game and most of all just cuddling and being with the one I love. But no instead I’m scrounging and scraping to find someone who will love and cherish me if not just be with me. I don’t want to be blinded by desperation and hopelessness and end up settling for someone. Is that how you felt did you settle for me or was I just a stepping stone into the adult world? I know how free you are with your love and how quickly you can give it. I know when you’re in an open or casual dating situation it can go on and lock you up for a long time. I mean hell the last time that happened you told me you loved me after a month and before we were even together then ended up creating four and a half of the most beautiful fulfilling and loving years of my life. I’m not saying that Ill be sitting here just waiting for you for that long I’m saying by that time I’ll need someone of quality of value someone to share the rest of my life with even if she’s not all I want. That scares me more than anything because I’ve seen so many people just grab anyone left at that age those are relationships I’m not envious of at all. It’s like is it better to have a rotten apple or starve to death. When I was with you it was like I won the game. Someone like you is what I wanted from the time I was 8 okay maybe ten. Even when I was with Kasey and let me tell you she was f****** gorgeous I knew what I wanted I knew it was someone like you. I almost feel like Tony Stark in the first movie when he’s talking to the doctor being held in the cave. They’re talking about all the wealth that he has and how great his life is and yet he does not have family or children so in fact he has nothing of real value. I have the best body that I know of I at least used to think I was handsome and even beautiful apparently my taxes say I make a lot of money that’s not even what I earn on the side from small jobs. I can play by my rules and grow or shrink it as I wish I have the most flexible hours and an ability to take off time at a whim in essence I’m pretty much my own boss. To add to that fact I have the bragging rights to say I’m pretty much a humanitarian not only helping the community but literally thousands upon thousands of people who had no choice but to be misplaced and destitute. My friends all seem to say that I’m a fun amazing good person and that you’re crazy to throw me away but I’m beginning to doubt them. Not to mention my brain comes up with the most genius things that I’ve ever seen. On top of that I have a nice little chunk of cash tucked away for rainy day and apparently it’s storming. A while back you said I was perfect for you and I was the best thing in your life wouldn’t you want the best for yourself. I don’t know why you would accept anything less for your life because I’m not willing to accept anything less in mine. Not in a job that’s why I’m looking for other avenues to make money. Not in the art I make that’s why I can’t work for people who dont respect me. Not even in the friends I make that’s why I have so many acquaintances. You may think I’m selfish but what would you do if there was something that you wanted more than anything in the world. All my instincts tell me to fight for you to go after you but I feel like I’ve used up all of my weapons and so giving you your space is the only thing left I can do. There will always be a space for you in my heart and in my home. Because after all I want you and you and nothing but you miles and piles of you. I hope you find what you’re looking for I hope you get your experience. But more than that I hope you come back to me as a woman or at least stronger than you are now. I’ll be there but you’ll need to fight for me. That would be the happiest day of my life you coming back to me fully and wholly. And know these aren’t just words or feelings or “emotions”. I’ve taken careful amounts of time to think all of this through. This is the truth I hold dear I don’t lie to you. You know I’m a committed person I wouldn’t hurt you even under extreme duress I’ve proven that. You know me you know my memory I remember every facet every moment every line. Just the other day I recreated a conversation with my uncle that they were having when I was 15 it was half my life ago but yet my steel trap of a mind remembered it and that was still not as long as I’ve been waiting for someone like you.
I don’t understand why I’m not good enough for you. I don’t understand why you think you’re too good for me. I don’t know what he gives you that I don’t. I don’t know what you see in him that you haven’t seen me. I don’t know what makes him better than me. I don’t see how you could let someone as great as me go on a gamble. I don’t know what made you think I was not enough for you. I don’t see how you’re missing out by being with me. I don’t know what experiences and adventures you’re on that we couldn’t be doing together. You’ve always had the same opportunities I don’t know if you just didn’t see them or if you didn’t want to explore them with me but they were there. I don’t know why you’re so scared and afraid to love me. I know how this works I’ve lived it and done it before. You’ll break off all contact and communication you’ll have better and better days you’ll be reminded of me less and less the pain becomes duller and then numb you’ll check up on me less and less days then weeks then a year will pass and my foothold in your heart will be gone. Enough time will pass and you’ll learn to not dote on the past and will give up on me forever. If he was smart he would hold on to you at every angle and level. He would work long term game and seduce you to lock you down. I know I would I know I was going to and I was setting up to try. I still don’t see why being with me forever would be so awful. You moving on in life without me is so scary. I know you won’t stay at her house forever and there will be a time when you show how much you’ve grown or can handle life. Whether that’s doing crazy stupid things or adventuring or getting an apartment possibly even with him or someone else or moving into his or someone elses house. I know once you’re tangled in finances and people it will be nearly impossible to ever get you back. You wouldn’t afford me the same luxuries that you give to them by cutting them out of your life. Again I know how this works you’re such an amazing person you’ll have people there surrounding you to ease the pain or discontentment and my spot in your chest will fill with love from others. Then one day if you’re free and adventured and now searching for what do next you may come across me and find you no longer want the old man standing across from you. You will have outgrown me and I will have just grown. It feels like its the culmination of both kill bill movies when beatrix literally breaks and explodes his heart and when she starts crying and looks at him she says I’m a bad person half asking half telling him. He looks at her and says kiddo you’re a good person you’re the best person you’re my favorite person.
I always thought that our story romance and relationship was something that no movie or book or fairy tale could ever touch. I felt sorry for people who didn’t have what we had because in my eyes it was perfection I didn’t know that it was so clouded in yours. I thought we beat the odds. We made it past the finish line of having to go back and forth and truly wanting each other this is supposed to be our celebration only to blow up after we won. We even traveled to each other with trains and planes and cars you walked to me when you had no other way. It was like an epic love poem people aren’t supposed to break up in the epilogue. I hope one day you’ll be able to talk to me honestly and not emotionally or trying to spare my feelings about what was so wrong in our relationship that you had to leave it. The last message that you gave me was wishing me a happy anniversary and telling me how I was the best boyfriend ever but you were already with someone else. You seemed so happy with me were you really that miserable. A while back you said I can’t be in your life because you’ll keep making the same mistake. I could only hope you meant that you would hurt me again. Because the only other option was that you would see me and have to be with me again and I don’t see how two people who I feel are meant to be together could be a mistake if they just want to be together.
I hope one day you’ll see this and are able to talk to me again.
»I feel myself slipping. I’m getting fainter now.
»Or, no. No. You are!
–which I haven’t done, by the way, in years! Or, at least, days. Or at least, I’m not doing it right now!
Welcome to Night Vale
Episode 41 - WALK
nightvale stop its not funny anymore
What sucks more than trying to get a jump in the rain when the person you want to contact to be there for you is so close yet won’t talk to you. How about trying to get a jump in the sleet. I guess it builds character now maybe I’ll stop walking around in a haze and remember to turn off my lights.